Body, Grooming, Health, Hygiene, Moi

Vagina doesn’t REALLY rhyme with anything.

Nobody likes a stinky pink.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve vomited in my mouth from clients who sit in my makeup chair, legs spread eagle, radiating musty-basement-full-of-dead-fish from their tacos. Sweet Geezeus.

flat,550x550,075,f

For the love of breathing to stay alive, please take care of your lady bits!

When I was a kid [and only a few inches shorter] we lived in Kiev, Ukraine and I predominantly stayed at my grandparents’ house. They had a room with a toilet next to a room with a sink and tub. Communism, baby!

piano 91

Mum and I back in Kiev right before we fucked off across the pond. This is a clean-vagina face.

In that little room with a toilet my mum and grandmother taught me hygiene. To an extreme.

gma 50th

Babushka and I circa twenty years ago.

We had this frosted white plastic cup that I was taught to fill with warm water [in the bathing room next door] prior to peeing to be used post peeing, like a ghetto bidet. This was the cornerstone of my many psychoses OCD moments.

Without getting into the evolution of my hygienic practices, you better believe I keep my vagina clean and pretty. Needless to say I always carry baby wipes in my purse.

I’ve recently discovered SebaMed Feminine Intimate Wash that is an organic gel and mimics your body’s natural pH. This stuff smells delicious and the soap-free formula won’t strip you of the gooey good stuff. Squeeze a drop or two onto a washcloth, massage your bikini part and wash away. Voila! Happy pussy.

yhst-62151296605837_2263_877054

They also make products for hair, face and body!

Then, there’s this other new sexy company that makes sexy products without any fake additives. Good Clean Love has a lube that is aloe vera based, 100% natural/organic, edible, safe for knocked up ladies, and simulates natural lubrication like a champ. Ding! Sexy time.

anlube_item_200104

Also comes in flavours like lavender and cinnamon vanilla. Can you say yum?

And then I have this friend called Hana Lash. Hana is not only a hottie-boombalattie and talented musician/performer, but has recently launched an Etsy shop with the most original vagina cards you ever did see. There’s one for every occasion and they are fucking brilliant. Please buy me some [please include the Bundle Up necklace too]!

il_570xN.502063687_mrud

Current status of my vagina: undergoing laser treatment at the Hot Spot Laser Center in Pasadena. Best husband in the world got me the wedding gift that keeps on giving – 6 sessions of Brazilian baldness. Cue angels singing. This place is awesome and ran by two adorable sisters, Marine and Narine, who don’t have a website [gasp] and don’t advertise [double gasp] but kick serious ass when it comes to ridding of unwanted sprouts. It says something about a business when you’re overbooked just by results and word of mouth.

bald pussy

Stay classy, ladies and wash that snatch! Singeing nose hairs has never been in.

Standard
Body, Health, Hygiene, Moi, Skin, Sunscreen

Backpacking is romantic until everything hurts.

My husband loves climbing shit camping. He’s hiked and camped his entire life.

I have not.

I prefer doing my nails. In a city. In civilization. Preferably sitting down.

But don’t get me wrong – I do love an adventure and Josh and I have already camped twice! Well, three times now.

IMG_2177

Specimen #1: Somewhere by Carmel.

Big Bear

Specimen #2: Somewhere in Big Bear.

And adventures = fun. And camping = drive to location, walk 12ft, pitch tent, start fire. Backpacking means something completely different.

We drove thirty minutes out of town, parked our car and started walking. Mostly downhill at first. Then a little incline. Passing through what should be little streams but are now just rocks awaiting spring rainfall. We held hands and laughed; strolling deeper up the mountain and listening to the sound of nature all around. It was treacherous and my backpack was heavy [food, clothes, 0° sleeping bag, some butt wipes and my husband’s heavy as hell camera; believe me – he had it worse].

camp2

We found this tree. Behind us is a rock this giant tree grows around.

tree bitch

Tree bitch.

Then we got to the camp site and we shoveled things into our faces. And I doused myself in a Deet cocktail and took a nap on a picnic bench with the sun shining on mah face. And it was glorious.

But nothing is this simple.

We had to go further up to reach a scenic point on top of the fucking mountain. But now the terrain became even worse: switchbacks, unsteady dusty dirt slides, steep inclines. F. M. L.

Josh and I were in a car accident a few years back where the bone in the T went inches away from me and my back has been a nightmare ever since. Carrying shit in a backpack bigger than me made the nightmare a reality once more. By the time we got to our gorgeous campsite I was whining and throwing all my toys out of the pram. But it was gorgeous. And quiet.

2013-09-23 18.52.06

My shitty phone cam panorama.

camp3

Sunset!

camp1

Husband takes amazing pictures. This was our home for the night.

Morning came too quickly and it was time to down my coffee, pack up and hike a different way down than the one we came.

And by down I mean scaling a fucking mountain.

Here are the details I remember:

  • sending evil glares in Josh’s direction
  • telling Josh he’s a horrible human being for torturing me like this
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • having my arms and legs mutilated by sharp leaves [scroll down for photographic proof]
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • twisted ankles and the nail beds on my toes bruised from the incline down

So, a walk in the park.

2013-09-24 12.06.35

These are my legs post branch lashings. Pictures don’t do this justice.

2013-09-24 09.17.52

Quarter of the way down. Stunning scenery. I love that man. I hate all of those bushes.

When we finally made it down I was pigeon-toed and covered in baked on sweat-dust. Sexual. I know.

But enough about me. Let’s get to product…

Murad Balm

Murad Essential-C Sun Balm for quick application on the nose and forehead [don’t forget the tops of hands].

whish_deodorantswipes_image2_900x900

Whish Deodorant Swipes were perfect for refreshing [contains hair inhibitors – not too shabby] .

kiehl-s-lip-balm-spf-15-in-hue-58b

Kiehl’s Lip Balm with SPF 15 because your lips need balm to be bomb.

shea

Shea Moisture Joint & Muscle Relief Dead Sea Salt Soak with Lavender & Wild Orchard – you better believe I was soaking [and emailing from my phone because it never ends].

553651_10201501729597669_1534950794_n

My Frida Kahlo impersonation.

Collagen

This was on my face while I was naked and covered in water. I get these at the Asian market downtown.

Osea

Love of my life [sorry Josh] Osea Malibu Undaria Alage Oil to soothe and repair the skin.

ioma

Ioma Soothing Gel For Legs – this stuff has been a life saver. As a makeup artist and professional backpacker.

large_fef79f1f-38d9-42a6-98b7-06f9f4c6671d

Nip + Fab Post Workout Fix is a topical muscle cooling gel made especially for my tired shoulders and buns.

And now I must go do my nails because they look like I’ve been climbing rocks. Wait. I can actually say that now!

Owie! Owie! Owie!

Standard
Body, Self Tan, Skin

Orange is NOT the new Tan.

Let’s be honest, for most of us summer’s over. [Echo…echo…echo…]

But it doesn’t have to be. Not with all of the new super duper amazing products out there to keep you looking  orange sun kissed.

Thus far my favourite self-tan product of all time is Comodynes towelettes.

IMG_3050

Incredibly easy to use. The colour is gradual and very even. No streaking and, as advertised, natural outcome. They have a separate smaller towelette for the face which is handy. By far these bad boys outlast any other product I’ve tried.

Trailing right behind is Xen Tan.

XEN TAn

St. Tropez is cool and all, but this stuff is more olive in the end. The initial colour, when applied, is a tad orange but within the 3-4 hours of process time where shit gets dark, followed by a rinse – looks like you’ve been lounging in St. Tropez and not using it. They also offer tinted moisturizers and other products to prolong the initial application. Smart.

If you are willing to invest in a self-tanner that stays on longer than a few days then run to Sephora for a dose of  Vita Liberata.

vita-liberata-7

A mousse with great even coverage that lasts 2-3 weeks [lasted me 2, but I exfoliate]. Super easy to use and doesn’t smell! WHAT?! It’s true. No stinkies. And no drying time. The mousse dries almost as fast as you apply it. Magical.

Now you really don’t have an excuse to use cheapie products that make you look like an Oompa Loompa. I’ve am your guinea pig.

Standard
BB Cream, Beauty, Bisous, Body, Hair, Lashes, Lips, Makeup, Skin

I married the same man twice. Part II.

And then, less than two months later our wed-cation dreams came to fruition.

All we wanted was an intimate evening on the beach, at sunset, on the night of a full moon, with our closest. No frills. This we received.

We found the most incredible location on an island called Eleuthera in the Bahamas. Think hot tub temperature ocean and sand that feels like powdered sugar under your feet. Think smiling faces every day. Think fresh seafood off the fisherman’s boat at 2pm daily. Think driving around with a beer in hand [legally]. Think paradise.

2013-08-17 11.52.30

Eleuthera is 100mi long and only 1.5mi wide.

PANO_20130818_113310

Our backyard. That little white sign says “private property” – we had 70 acres of privacy!

IMG_1173

Our home for the week.

_MG_9900

Governor’s Harbour at night.

Friends and family came from all over and everyone got along. We pushed everyone to enjoy their time on the island however they saw fit. There were no rules. There were no schedules. We’d explore the island by day and relax by the pool at night with a local Bahamian coconut rum [that I smuggled two bottles of on the way home] in hand.

_MG_9872

The view from “Club Pool” at night.

The wedding was on a Tuesday. Some people showed up to swim and hang on our beach during the day. Some people cooked. Some people drank. Some people helped with decorations.

IMG_2970

Mammaries…

Around 7pm everyone walked down to the beach and awaited our entrance. We came right on time and began the ceremony, once again, led by Master Hooker. Everyone contributed a word they would use to describe us. Then Josh and I exchanged our words of love to each other. Then Hooker introduced us to a Bahamian wedding tradition of Josh and I filling half a cup of sand and pooling it into one. It was perfect. Everyone was tear faced and laughing.

Getting his ring on

Had some issues putting on the ring.

image

Our mothers.

GROUP BAHAMAS WEDDING

Everyone and the moon.

We asked all of our guests to contribute a dish for the evening as everyone we invited is an excellent cook and the one person that wasn’t a foodie turned out to be the best mixologist any of us could have hoped for. Viva de piña colada by the pitcher [pineapple free for me, please]! We even had THREE wedding cakes instead of just one. Everyone was in a food coma.

image (1)

Renee made this with Angela’s and Jenn’s accessories. Stars are Josh’s and my theme for life.

image (2)

He started it.

After the food we moved onto “Club Pool” and danced in and out of water and set off sky lanterns with wishes of the future. Our incredible guests made sure everything was perfect and that we were happy. Couldn’t have asked for anything more. We, again, are very lucky bitches.

It’s time, once again, for products!

COMODYNES BB CREAM

Comodynes BB cream to even out.

Lash Republic beautiful lashes were my wedding outfit staple

Lashes by Lash Republic – whoa.

Yves Rocher Waterproof Mascara didn't budge once in the countles times I cried of joy

Yves Rocher Waterproof Mascara didn’t budge once in the countless times I cried of joy.

manna kadar shimmer

Manna Kadar shimmer lotion all over.

makeup-forever-aqua-rouge-

Make Up Forever Aqua Rouge Red – because it doesn’t come off on ANYTHING. Makeout guilt-free.

Oribe Supershine Moisturizing Cream hydrated my locks after all the salt lashings of the ocean

Oribe Supershine Moisturizing Cream hydrated my locks after all the salt lashings of the ocean.

And now you know.

Here are some more pictures because you deserve to see them…

bahamas rings

Our rings together.

Front of our house

Just scootin’ around!

Harbour Island, Eleuthera

Harbour Island.

Bridesmaids

My girls.

Island girl

Island love.

love

Married!

For more story and products – check out this season’s Bisous Magazine!

Standard
Body, Food, Health

Cleanse you CAN.

It’s been a while, girls and boys. And now that the fall issue of Bisous has launched and I am *wed we can be friends again.

Before hopping back into everything that is beautiful, I want to start from the inside out!

Now, I’ve done all kinds of cleanses in the past. Everything from fasting, which I’ll never do again unless I medically need to, to powder form, to you name it. All of them were tolerable. All of them did something towards the end that was positive in some way. All of them appreciated.

And life was good. Until life became superb…

Behold, the CAN CAN CLEANSE!

CANCAN_FALL_LR

Never ever EVER have I dreamed of a cleanse being delicious. Nutritious? Yes. Delicious? Never.

Here is how the story went:

On Wednesday I happen to see a Tweet from the beautiful Kat Odell [Editor at Eater LA and star of Eat, Drink, Love on Bravo].

Screen Shot 2013-09-15 at 4.14.27 PM

On Thursday I arrange a drop off for the following day.

Screen Shot 2013-09-15 at 4.20.33 PM

At 8:30AM on a Friday an adorable Teresa, the creator, came to my door with a smile on her face and a bag full of gorgeous glass jars filled with magic. The very next day I gave these fancy jars a whirl.

cancan

1-day Power Cleanse Schedule

I did a one day Power cleanse, though the options range from 1 to 3 to 5 days. As you can see each jar contains juices, milks, a soup and a tea (you can divide into two cups). Even more amazing – they’re seasonal! Each one was better than the other, I never felt hungry once and looked forward to discovering new flavors as the day went on. Did I mention I had tons of energy?

Woke up and did the crunchy chia juice, had the nut milk [o my god the flavours] in the car on my way to a shoot, a yummy green juice at the shoot, left the to-die-for soup in the car to warm up by the time I was done with the shoot, came home to a refreshing watermelon juice, walked around the neighborhood with all of my excess energy then came home and pounded another green juice, caught up on some friend time with the vanilla nut milk in hand and rested with two delicious cups of warm tea whilst reading the upcoming Palahniuk novel. For. The. Win.

Shame I only did the one day.

Whether you’re a cleanse aficionado or virgin, you should want nothing more than to experience this life changing cleanse. I can honestly say I’ll never touch another chalky detox again.

You can find out all you need to know here: http://cancancleanse.com/

P.S. I chose to reuse the beautiful jars…

2013-09-10 18.31.07

Pickled serrano chiles.

*Tune in tomorrow for the juicy details of my wedding/s!
Standard