So the one-eyed mission was accomplished and you’re knocked up.
Now you have to look forward to morning sickness, which they didn’t tell you meant dry heaving every night. You look forward to an extravagant diet of pickles and bubbly water. You look forward to knocking things over with your engorged mammilla. You look forward to the parasitic bundle of joy inside of you growing and stretching you beyond proportion with its high powered combination ninja moves you’ve only seen in 90s arcade games.
Self inflicted – no mercy.
But who am I to make cracks at breeding when, one day, I will be in your too-small-for-your-inflated-feet shoes.
Either way, you should take care of your skin as you balloon so that you can bounce back without wearing moo-moos for the rest of your days. I’ve met a few stunning women who have had their share of vaginal deployment and, though they are in great shape all over, are left with deflated sacks hanging over their belts. Oh, and though stretch marks can be beautiful in black and white photos on a macro setting – these “medals” can and should be avoided.
Raw or virgin coconut oil is an absolute blessing with its nourishing and conditioning properties that promote healing. Keep in mind that what you put topically onto your skin gets absorbed and passed onto the critter lounging in your womb. So please stop applying chemical cocktails onto your dermis.
Coconut water is also incredibly beneficial when digested for expecting mothers:
- prevents dehydration
- prevents constipation
- prevents infectious disease
- promotes lactation
- balances body temperature
- relieves morning sickness
- betters digestion
If ejection has been completed and you have stretch marks marbling your chesticles, tummycles and hipsicles – StriVectin-SD Concentrate for Existing Stretch Marks is your go-to. Be prepared to shell out a penny or two for this magic potion, but 93% of people in a study saw results from this product and that’s a lot of people. I swear by this product as an anti-wrinkle option and have been an ardent patron for almost two years.
Ya’ll can laugh at me in a few years, for now I’ll just babysit your kids. Takers?