Body, Grooming, Health, Hygiene, Moi

Vagina doesn’t REALLY rhyme with anything.

Nobody likes a stinky pink.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve vomited in my mouth from clients who sit in my makeup chair, legs spread eagle, radiating musty-basement-full-of-dead-fish from their tacos. Sweet Geezeus.

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For the love of breathing to stay alive, please take care of your lady bits!

When I was a kid [and only a few inches shorter] we lived in Kiev, Ukraine and I predominantly stayed at my grandparents’ house. They had a room with a toilet next to a room with a sink and tub. Communism, baby!

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Mum and I back in Kiev right before we fucked off across the pond. This is a clean-vagina face.

In that little room with a toilet my mum and grandmother taught me hygiene. To an extreme.

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Babushka and I circa twenty years ago.

We had this frosted white plastic cup that I was taught to fill with warm water [in the bathing room next door] prior to peeing to be used post peeing, like a ghetto bidet. This was the cornerstone of my many psychoses OCD moments.

Without getting into the evolution of my hygienic practices, you better believe I keep my vagina clean and pretty. Needless to say I always carry baby wipes in my purse.

I’ve recently discovered SebaMed Feminine Intimate Wash that is an organic gel and mimics your body’s natural pH. This stuff smells delicious and the soap-free formula won’t strip you of the gooey good stuff. Squeeze a drop or two onto a washcloth, massage your bikini part and wash away. Voila! Happy pussy.

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They also make products for hair, face and body!

Then, there’s this other new sexy company that makes sexy products without any fake additives. Good Clean Love has a lube that is aloe vera based, 100% natural/organic, edible, safe for knocked up ladies, and simulates natural lubrication like a champ. Ding! Sexy time.

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Also comes in flavours like lavender and cinnamon vanilla. Can you say yum?

And then I have this friend called Hana Lash. Hana is not only a hottie-boombalattie and talented musician/performer, but has recently launched an Etsy shop with the most original vagina cards you ever did see. There’s one for every occasion and they are fucking brilliant. Please buy me some [please include the Bundle Up necklace too]!

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Current status of my vagina: undergoing laser treatment at the Hot Spot Laser Center in Pasadena. Best husband in the world got me the wedding gift that keeps on giving – 6 sessions of Brazilian baldness. Cue angels singing. This place is awesome and ran by two adorable sisters, Marine and Narine, who don’t have a website [gasp] and don’t advertise [double gasp] but kick serious ass when it comes to ridding of unwanted sprouts. It says something about a business when you’re overbooked just by results and word of mouth.

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Stay classy, ladies and wash that snatch! Singeing nose hairs has never been in.

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Body, Health, Hygiene, Moi, Skin, Sunscreen

Backpacking is romantic until everything hurts.

My husband loves climbing shit camping. He’s hiked and camped his entire life.

I have not.

I prefer doing my nails. In a city. In civilization. Preferably sitting down.

But don’t get me wrong – I do love an adventure and Josh and I have already camped twice! Well, three times now.

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Specimen #1: Somewhere by Carmel.

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Specimen #2: Somewhere in Big Bear.

And adventures = fun. And camping = drive to location, walk 12ft, pitch tent, start fire. Backpacking means something completely different.

We drove thirty minutes out of town, parked our car and started walking. Mostly downhill at first. Then a little incline. Passing through what should be little streams but are now just rocks awaiting spring rainfall. We held hands and laughed; strolling deeper up the mountain and listening to the sound of nature all around. It was treacherous and my backpack was heavy [food, clothes, 0° sleeping bag, some butt wipes and my husband’s heavy as hell camera; believe me – he had it worse].

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We found this tree. Behind us is a rock this giant tree grows around.

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Tree bitch.

Then we got to the camp site and we shoveled things into our faces. And I doused myself in a Deet cocktail and took a nap on a picnic bench with the sun shining on mah face. And it was glorious.

But nothing is this simple.

We had to go further up to reach a scenic point on top of the fucking mountain. But now the terrain became even worse: switchbacks, unsteady dusty dirt slides, steep inclines. F. M. L.

Josh and I were in a car accident a few years back where the bone in the T went inches away from me and my back has been a nightmare ever since. Carrying shit in a backpack bigger than me made the nightmare a reality once more. By the time we got to our gorgeous campsite I was whining and throwing all my toys out of the pram. But it was gorgeous. And quiet.

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My shitty phone cam panorama.

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Sunset!

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Husband takes amazing pictures. This was our home for the night.

Morning came too quickly and it was time to down my coffee, pack up and hike a different way down than the one we came.

And by down I mean scaling a fucking mountain.

Here are the details I remember:

  • sending evil glares in Josh’s direction
  • telling Josh he’s a horrible human being for torturing me like this
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • having my arms and legs mutilated by sharp leaves [scroll down for photographic proof]
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
  • twisted ankles and the nail beds on my toes bruised from the incline down

So, a walk in the park.

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These are my legs post branch lashings. Pictures don’t do this justice.

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Quarter of the way down. Stunning scenery. I love that man. I hate all of those bushes.

When we finally made it down I was pigeon-toed and covered in baked on sweat-dust. Sexual. I know.

But enough about me. Let’s get to product…

Murad Balm

Murad Essential-C Sun Balm for quick application on the nose and forehead [don’t forget the tops of hands].

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Whish Deodorant Swipes were perfect for refreshing [contains hair inhibitors – not too shabby] .

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Kiehl’s Lip Balm with SPF 15 because your lips need balm to be bomb.

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Shea Moisture Joint & Muscle Relief Dead Sea Salt Soak with Lavender & Wild Orchard – you better believe I was soaking [and emailing from my phone because it never ends].

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My Frida Kahlo impersonation.

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This was on my face while I was naked and covered in water. I get these at the Asian market downtown.

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Love of my life [sorry Josh] Osea Malibu Undaria Alage Oil to soothe and repair the skin.

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Ioma Soothing Gel For Legs – this stuff has been a life saver. As a makeup artist and professional backpacker.

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Nip + Fab Post Workout Fix is a topical muscle cooling gel made especially for my tired shoulders and buns.

And now I must go do my nails because they look like I’ve been climbing rocks. Wait. I can actually say that now!

Owie! Owie! Owie!

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