Today is just the perfect day for video virusing, isn’t it?
Usually when Allan Amato asks me to shoot with him my answer is always YES!
Here is why…
Andy Dick as a siwwy wabbit.
Andy Dick as the stone cold butcher.
Andy Dick eating a canary.
My favourite: Andy Dick’s kaboom.
Through working on faces for the past decade I have met a lot of really wonderful humans with who I am, to this day, in contact with and some that I have grown to love deeply and dearly. You know who you are.
In the process, my path collided with a special select few at whom I longingly stared, fantasizing of jabbing an eye pencil through their cranial orifices. Some call them “stage moms”.
Surely you have rolled your eyeballs once or twice while watching
smutty kid pageant reality teevee shows. Surely, at one point or another, you have wanted to pimp slap a parent at your grocery store wailing on their offspring. Surely I am not the only one.
Wall of shame:
All of these perpetrators yield to media and their children’s reasoning instead of educating them on what is more important…like books, art, diet and proper skin care.
Teach your youngins about proper skin care. Keep in mind that prevention (not the sexy time kind…though also helpful) earlier on in their lives can lead to healthier skin later on in their lives that will last longer than yours.
Bestow upon them a healthy habit of never leaving the house without sun screen – rain or shine.
Nip in the bud the Flamin’-Hot-Cheetos-and-RedBull-breakfast routine.
Dress them age-appropriately. It’s YOUR money and YOUR rules until they are 18, don’t forget that.
Decrease face time with the television, I swear they all want to move into music video sets. At least explain to them that films/videos are 90% constructed and not real…their favourite “teen” performers have had chest hair and periods for the past decade.
Be available and honest when your kids need you – a lot of lashing out comes from attention anorexia which leads to horrible makeup and singed hair…I speak from experience.
Hell forbid I ever have a daughter – she will be home schooled and locked down until she is sixteen, dressed in Amish couture, oblivious to razors and rockin’ a unibrow. But if not – I’ll settle for my own version of Madonna’s daughter who should be every teen’s fashion/beauty icon. Go, girl.
If you haven’t already noticed, this week has been predominantly dedicated to our favourite
pretty princesses boys.
Sorry, ladies, here comes another one…
Some time around October of last year the boyfriend started growing a beard. Typically I would probably gag as I prefer skin over hair any day of the week. But in this case I welcomed the lumberjack-chic guise with open arms because I wanted his skin to breathe and because I influenced his minimalist wardrobe (that has been blossoming handsomely) to accept shades outside of black/white/gray/denim to shades of navy and maroon in his button down plaid hoodie. Not to mention his two week trip to the depths of Idaho to shoot wildlife on a hunting range – his vegan ass loved that.
Through this process I discovered that my fuzzy wuzzy was shaving nearly up to his eyeballs! Naturally, his affliction had to end. Naturally I’d be the one to do it…with my cape flailing in the wind.
Now, as part of Josh’s grooming routine (aside from daily face washing and moisturizing, weekly manicures and exfoliants, bi-weekly pedicures and monthly haircuts) we take time out to pluck the strays sprouting around the hairline of his beard and a bit of the area above his brows.
You’ll need tweezers and a mirror!
Now, let’s evaluate:
You can see the stubble monsters peeking through the skin and making his complexion uneven.
Using tweezers, carefully pluck the unwanted strays. Please do not over do it. The goal is to tidy up – not create facial hair art like Kenneth Branagh in Wild Wild West.
The end result should look something like this:
Some redness is expected. Feel free to rub an ice cube over the irritated areas or saline solution/eye drops. After a few weeks of plucking you will notice the hair growing in much more sparse.
Keep your beards trimmed and ruley, ’cause hypertrichosis is only attractive in a side show.
Are you a hair club president or client?
Do you find it difficult to keep up with hair products because your dome is slowly being flushed away in the shower?
Is it often that you find yourself performing the shake-fist-at-sky maneuver because you were bestowed with genetics of the balding persuasion.
Diet is important. Folic acid deficiency causes the most damage. Also, just as of yesterday I found out through a case study that hair actually grows back – but so thin that the human eye cannot see it because the roots become smaller with each shed.
My grandfather, who also happens to be my BFF, has had a shiny crown for as far back as I could remember. A couple of years ago he developed a gorgeous crater, in place of a bindi, filled with a pesky blackhead. Denying my mother the right to squeeze, he asked me for an easy remedy to remove the bugger. My advice was to rub Apple Cider Vinegar until there was nothing left. And he did.
Months went by and G-unit’s crater seemed more and more empty, but his smiles became wider and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I decided to confront. To my surprise the side effects were hair growth! Grandpa said he started from his forehead and went all around the top of his head [just in case] and hair started magically appearing! Now, after decades of barrenness – his noodle garden is flourishing!
Lastly, do not be afraid of the razor – I met Billy Zane a few weeks back and he was rockin’ that ‘do!
And there you have it, my minimal thread count lovelies. Happy farming!
Thought I’d start the year off with some tips for the boys.
Josh, my boyfriend, hand model and partner in crime has recently returned from a trip to India where he spent ten days documenting a very poor remote village where hygiene is a rarity.
Luckily I sent him off with a toiletries bag with all the essentials…including nail clippers in response to which he muttered, “I’m allowed to do my own nails?” This may seem silly to you, but if you haven’t noticed – I take these things seriously, being his one-stop-shop groomer.
This sparked an idea I wanted to share with you. If you are of the male persuasion, or if you have a man in your life whose nails remind you of a stray cat, look no further for I will reveal ways in which you can transform talons.
Do your nails once a week and remember to push your cuticles back and oil them after the shower for the days in between.
After the first few tries you’ll be a pro and this process will take you minutes to look great for a week or more!
So today I shot a potential male model with Shelli Wright. Poor guy had super dry skin and incredibly long spikey nose hair. His naturally good looks were overpowered by these details and I’m not the only one who notices, believe you me.
Boys, I dedicate this one to you.
Please please please stay groomed…it doesn’t take much.
Check out your nose and ear holes up close at least once a week in natural light. There are excellent trimmers out there – use them. Then glance over once more and use small curved scissors* to trim what ever you missed.
Next-up are eyebrows. Please please please stop grooming them to look better than your female counterparts! It’s definitely better to have two brows as opposed to one – this is where tweezers come in handy JUST to pluck the strays at the top of your nose.
If they are so unruly and long that your vision is compromised – grab those mini curved scissors*, a mascara wand (below) and use it to comb the hair upwards cutting the long ones with the ends of the scissors pointing to the ceiling.
Do not be afraid of skin care products. They are your friends. They are not just for girls. There are tons of them out on the market right now specifically geared towards your hairy faces. A nice face wash is a must: use in the morning or at night, definitely after the gym. Moisturizer is key: use all over the face as soon as you towel off your face, this locks in moisture and keeps your skin looking young and touchable.
I think the term “metro-sexual” warded many of you off, I know it did me. Taking care of yourself takes patience, <5 extra minutes of your daily routine, and pride for when you leave the house radiant sending swarms of admirers swooning.
It’ll be our little secret.