Evil, Hygiene, Men, Remedy, Skin

Backne | Retour D’acné

Today’s cheerful topic is bumpy backs. The fortunate humans who have received this gift should gather round and heed these admonitions…

First, let’s break it down and talk about how your back skins are much tougher than, say, the face. How backs undergo a lot more abrasive stresses like bras, chair backs, tight clothes, harsh scrubbers and etc. Thus irritation chances are greater and treatment times longer. This is the suck. But there is a light at the end:

  • though sponges/scrubbers aren’t a terrible idea, overdoing it is – be gentle with the cleaning of your dermis as not to cause further inflamation
  • wear looser fitting tops, preferably cotton – this removes sweat from skin
  • make sure your bras are clean, ladies, and the straps aren’t chafing away – strapless may be your best option
  • if you are a sweater – try showering as often as possible, but keep in mind that you don’t have to exfoliate each time
  • look for body wash with salicylic acid – this is your bacteria fighting friend
Recipe:
  1. shower
  2. rub Tea Tree Oil on affected area [wait 5 minutes to dry]
  3. rub Apple Cider Vinegar or Rice Wine Vinegar on affected area and on top of the Tea Tree Oil [wait 15 minutes to dry]
This is excellent when done nightly with great results. You’ll get used to the smells – a small price to pay for clear skin me thinks.

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Hair, Men, Remedy

No More Hair Loss | Pas de perte de cheveux

Are you a hair club president or client?

Do you find it difficult to keep up with hair products because your dome is slowly being flushed away in the shower?

Is it often that you find yourself performing the shake-fist-at-sky maneuver because you were bestowed with genetics of the balding persuasion.

Diet is important. Folic acid deficiency causes the most damage. Also, just as of yesterday I found out through a case study that hair actually grows back –  but so thin that the human eye cannot see it because the roots become smaller with each shed.

My grandfather, who also happens to be my BFF, has had a shiny crown for as far back as I could remember. A couple of years ago he developed a gorgeous crater, in place of a bindi, filled with a pesky blackhead. Denying my mother the right to squeeze, he asked me for an easy remedy to remove the bugger. My advice was to rub Apple Cider Vinegar until there was nothing left. And he did.

Months went by and G-unit’s crater seemed more and more empty, but his smiles became wider and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I decided to confront. To my surprise the side effects were hair growth! Grandpa said he started from his forehead and went all around the top of his head [just in case] and hair started magically appearing! Now, after decades of barrenness – his noodle garden is flourishing!

Other friends:

  • daily dose of lettuce+spinach juice, 8oz.
  • coconut milk all over the scalp
  • castor oil application
  • paste of lemon and black pepper
  • almond oil compress 2-3 times daily
  • pure aloe vera gel instead of conditioner

Avoid:

  • dry scalp
  • hats
  • hairspray/mousse/gel – alcohol dries scalp
  • too much hair brushing
  • shampooing hair more than 3 times a week

Remember:

  • shorter hair hides the issue better
  • lighter coloured hair creates an illusion of thickness
  • hair products can enhance your problem

Lastly, do not be afraid of the razor – I met Billy Zane a few weeks back and he was rockin’ that ‘do!

And there you have it, my minimal thread count lovelies. Happy farming!

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Hygiene, Men, Remedy, Skin

For Erica | Pour Erica…

I got a chain of text messages yesterday from a friend who had found a cure for blemishes/acne: SPERM!

Say WHAT!?

Yes, my lovelies, you read that correctly. Please do not re-adjust the dials on your screen as I am talking about man goo. Penile pollen. Man milk. Love butter. Baby batter. Spooge. Spunk that she and her beau alike plaster their faces with to get rid of redness and irritation.

Naturally I had to investigate this phenomenon. (Get your mind out of the gutter – I did it through the world wide web.)

Through some diligent research I have found some pret-ty inneressin’ things. Ready?

  • semen contains Vitamin C, a detoxifier, and antioxidants
  • sperm is rich in protein
  • seminal fluid contains vitamins and fructose

Vitamin C + antioxidants + protein + fructose = ingredients in skin care (acne) products!

There are even spas in New York that offer “Spermine Facials” that can cost up to $250.

This gooey mask firms and gives the sensation of tightening as it dries. Must be washed off with a mild product. Some victims report glowing results and the exile of unwanted textures.

If you’re strapped for cash, I suggest investing in a boyfriend or a boy friend who is comfortable with handing off his goodies for an effervescent cause of beauty. Though I should warn you to be careful when asking for a facial – it may bring up frat boy fantasies and in turn become a dangerous habit.

You may also be a squeamish squirt and disgusted by even the slightest thought of this formula, in which case I suggest selling some of your possessions to invest in a trip to the pee pee spas.

Otherwise – stick to skin care that is already available on the market and to this blog for homeopathic remedies that do not require digital handy works. 🙂

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Hygiene, Men, Remedy, Skin

Ugly Buttons | Boutons Laids

Guess who got a pimple?

I drink water. I have a strict skin regimen. I don’t eat much sugar or any junk food. Lean protein and lots of fresh fruit and veggies. And…and…

Thank you, lady in red.

I KNOW! I know it’s difficult not to reach up with both of your index fingers erect and ready to squeeze. It sucks knowing that if you do – all that bacteria hiding underneath your fingernails is dying to make its way into a freshly opened wound. To terrorize and multiply into a posse of soiled pores that turn into your favourite shade of pink dots for the world to see. Comment très jolie!

Sound the horns, here is our new slogan: “Don’t pick it – slick it!”

Let us formulate a support group that slicks those pesky buggers away for good. And here is how:

  • toothpaste (regular peppermint or spearmint will do – no cinnamon)
  • honey
  • raw papaya juice
  • raw potato
  • tomato pulp
  • zinc (pill form)
  • lemon juice
  • raw garlic
  • cucumber

All of these ingredients have been proven to work and are natural…most you can eat and so they will work externally.

And please remember to wash your bedding and towels often. Keep your hands out of your face. Try not to use too much hair product and if you do – minimize hair to face contact as much as possible. Don’t slather on makeup to cover up your blemish as that can make it worse and spread bacteria.

Be gone, you evil nodule!

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Lips, Men, Remedy

Lips | Lèvres

Pucker up, buttercups, we’re going on a ride!

Lips are très important as they are a communication module for most of us. Whether we speak by words or by kissing, this pair of skin flaps need to be taken care of with pride and devotion.

In rough winter weather chapping is quite normal and can easily be reversed, unless you take joy in the burning sensation of your flaky, bloody dermis. Yeeeouch.

To avoid further monstrosities:

  1. apply Vaseline generously all over your lips
  2. take a hot shower
  3. gently brush lips with a tooth brush
  4. apply balm on lips

Cold sores are another bother and can be a reoccurring nightmare for a lucky select few. Herein I have compiled a list of remedies for this mutant:

  • ice
  • cold milk (apply with cotton ball)
  • Witch Hazel
  • licorice (chew or apply powder form)
  • warm tea bag (apply directly)
  • zinc and water mixture
  • vinegar
  • garlic (rub half of a clove directly on sore)

Though there are lovely anti-chap products out there, my be-all-end-all is Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream…I wish it came with a halo around it because it’s definitely a saviour. Aaaaand, not only does it heal lips, but elbows, heels, and any other moisture deprived part of the body.

Now kiss those flakes good bye and sail into the new year with smooth smackers that anyone would enjoy as the clock strikes midnight! xo

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Beauty, Moi, Skin

My Beauty Ritual | Mon rituel de beauté

I take my beauty ritual very seriously.

My grandmother, even on her last days and at 75 years old, had not one wrinkle! Although the only makeup she wore was red lipstick, the woman was notorious for her skin care. Coming from the old days in the motherland (Ukraine), she washed with soap. Sometimes a few times a day. She didn’t use anything but cocoa/shea butter on her face and jojoba oil for her body. She also didn’t have much body hair, this I always envied the most.

My mother is another case – no one has ever guessed her age. Young men still approach her to this day with romantic inclinations having no clue she could really be their mum! She, like her mother, is attached to one cosmetic item – black liquid liner, and never leaves the house without it. Since as long as I can remember Mama has had an array of face and body creams scattered around her vanity. As a child I began to mimic her femininity by trying out products that would also preserve my skin.

And so it began. In grade school I knew every drugstore beauty product and was a thorough guide to my friends. In middle school I picked up girlie magazines and flipped through to the beauty section to find tips and tricks in order to bestow my newfound knowledge onto my classmates. In high school I began to experiment with makeup. Mostly in science class. Mostly on whoever would allow me to paint their face before the teacher noticed. Sorry, Mr. Beeftink!

Now I easily experiment with skin care lines and definitely have my favourites, ranging high to low cost: La Mer, Sisley Sisleya, StriVectin, Orlane, Lumene, Nivea, Bioré and Oil of Olay for Sensitive Skin.

As soon as I step out of the shower I tone with vinegar/water concoction, massage any fine lines with StriVectinSD, then slather the rest of my face with one of the above mentioned moisturizers (from hairline down to the décolleté). It is important to lock in moisture with product, so please don’t wait around too long.

I will now reveal my deep dark secret: I don’t always take off my makeup before I go to bed. Cue gasp. Yes, I know bad Annah, BAD! My excuse: boyfriend’s chest is evil and has perfected its Vulcan sleeper hold on me. Thus, Joshua, I blame you.

This doesn’t mean you should get a boyfriend like mine and hold him accountable for your skin mishaps. This means don’t follow in my footsteps and wash your face off every night as if your life depended on it. Because your skin depends on it. Be it cold cream, makeup remover or baby oil. Just. Do. It.

Lastly, for faces I work on I mix foundation/concealer with moisturizer, but on myself I put on foundation immediately after my face is still damp with product. This way, even if I don’t know the kind of makeup I’ll be wearing for the day – this mixture acts as a tinted moisturizer base that doesn’t move around throughout the hectic schedule I am allotted.

I’m 28. The worst name I’ve been called lately is 24. I still get carded. Everywhere. Including R movies. True story.

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