Beauty, Brushes, Grooming, Hygiene, Makeup, Prevention, Set Etiquette

Dirty Makeup Bitches

I have zero fucking tolerance for anyone with access to makeup and faces that is not just unprofessional, but dirty. ZERO.

Having heard countless complaints from friends/clients about the horrors of filthy brushes, disorganized messy kits, post-application breakouts, rashes and, worse, infections – I have seen some heinous shit myself.

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And then we have this past weekend. I was so stoked to work with my favourite makeup and hair friends on a shoot in Orange County [please note that I despise the OC for all of its plastic, gaudy, suburban splendour which makes this story that much worse] because we have the same aesthetic and sense of humour. These things are important on all shoots, let alone places that require them to survive.

Then walks in what I can only describe as a heavily made up human suit stretched over the alien from the movie Alien.

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Immediately the three of us knew this was a MAC artist. This was reaffirmed by her MAC Zuca case and the skills she possessed which I will indubitably school you on.

I won’t get into the fact that she started rearranging my coffee cup and glasses without asking [apparently that’s her shady modus operandi], or that she didn’t ask us nor the producer what it is the, now, three of us should have been creating in unison. What I will tell you about is how she whipped out her busted up caboodle and started cleaning her disgusting brushes.

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My immediate reaction.

I nearly fucking vomited.

Perhaps instead of spending hours on herself that morning painting on a tranny face mask, she should have been washing her fucking brushes and not insulting the rest of us with her lack of professionalism. Oh, but then there is that.

Professionalism.

So, she came in with two “hair stylists”. One was very pleasant and nice and had on a smile and was very eager to cooperate. The other was so wet behind the ears she looked like everything was a surprise and brought about three cans of BigSexyHair she probably picked up at Ulta. *Note to all newbies in the business: smile, nod and learn. Bad attitude will get you as far as sanitizing brushes if you keep it up. Humility is the way forward.

To make this all easier to swallow let’s divide this into teams: Team Awesome and Team Ding Dong. No explanation necessary.

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While Team Awesome was kicking ass and churning out excellent work and running around on the two sets [one photo and one video], the Ding Dongs were DOING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HAIR AND MAKEUP in the dressing room. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. And Alien had so much as, without flinching, giant rollers in her hair for hours. So, while we, the ones with decades of experience are running around and sweating, the newbie tards are hanging out and having a great time together. Did I mention they were the first ones to attack the lunch spread?

Every time Team Awesome walked back into the dressing room all would get quiet and dagger eyes would come out.

Then let’s talk about the work. Specifically how there is a special talent in making white skin look ashy. There were 5 girl models and 3 guys. Two of the girls had the most delicious dark chocolatey skin ever and I was fortunate enough to grab them first. My girl Cathi had a German girl who looked Brasilian. Alien grabbed an actual Brasilian girl and a white girl. Both looked looked like they were wearing gray face masks. Dark dark eyes and lips so light they looked dead. Mind you this is loosely the look we’re going for…

Calvin Klein Underwear Fall 2009 Ad Campaign

Dewy, sleek, contoured.

Oh, yeah, and she added guy-liner to one of the dudes. Epic. He looked like the Prince of Persia.

There was one incident where she grabbed one of my girls and put her in her chair “for touchups” and I immediately asked the model to kindly play musical chairs and sit in mine. Alien wasn’t happy.

Then there was another incident, about an hour prior to wrap, where Alien succeeded in “touching up” one of my girls. Luckily I caught whiff and remedied [I mean if you saw this you would die – homegirl looked like she was wearing a Day of the Dead mask]: walked her ass back into the dressing room, took a face wipe to her and started all over. Needless to say Alien bitch had her jaw on the floor the entire time.

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This was one of my girls. Not the victim. Look at that skin colour! I die.

So in order for you not to be a dirty makeup bitch, here are some tips:

1. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BRUSHES!

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  • Baby shampoo or Bronners soap are gentle enough to clean your brushes with without buying crazy expensive stuff.
  • Wet the brushes.
  • Dab a drop of soap onto your palm and swish the brush around gently in circular motions.
  • Wash with lukewarm-to-cold water until it runs clear.
  • Lay flat to dry.

2. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BRUSHES!

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  • For a quickie, in-between-thorough-washing situation, these two are my fave.
  • Parian Spirit and Cozette both smell like freshly sliced citrus fruit and leave your brushes looking and smelling just as lovely.
  • Spray the brush or paper towel and gently wipe the brush in a circular motion.
  • Repeat as many times as necessary until the brush wipes clean.

3. Sanitize your makeup between people.

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  • Even if you’re not a makeup artist but you like to play one with your friends.
  • Rubbing alcohol and a cheapie mist bottle from the dollar store are your friends.
  • All of your powder/pressed eyeshadows can be sprayed, lipstick, cream blush, etc.

4. Don’t double dip!

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  • This is a Make Up Forever¬†spatula.
  • If you want to try your friend’s lipstick or cream shadow, or cream blush – whip out your spatula, scrape scrape, try.
  • If a spatula isn’t on hand, you can use the end of a brush – the plastic/wooden end if you need me to chew it up and swallow for you.

5. Sanitize your hands before touching anyone’s face.

steps for sanitizer

  • This is a diagram for those that don’t know how.
  • You may replace hand sanitizer with soap and water if it pleases you.

And if your makeup artist looks like the MAC counter exploded on their face – run very fast and very far.

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Evil, Hygiene, Makeup, Skin, Teens

Young Ones | Les Jeunes

Through working on faces for the past decade I have met a lot of really wonderful humans with who I am, to this day, in contact with and some that I have grown to love deeply and dearly. You know who you are.

In the process, my path collided with a special select few at whom I longingly stared, fantasizing of jabbing an eye pencil through their cranial orifices. Some call them “stage moms”.

Surely you have rolled your eyeballs once or twice while watching smutty kid pageant reality teevee shows. Surely, at one point or another, you have wanted to pimp slap a parent at your grocery store wailing on their offspring. Surely I am not the only one.

Wall of shame:

  1. A mother who waxed her 4 year old’s eyebrows! Naturally I hounded her asking if she, at four years of age, would have appreciated having her face ripped off.
  2. Another mother who took her 9 year old to the nail salon to get an acrylic French manicure and pedicure! I flipped out.
  3. Parents who purchased trampy club clothes for their 12 year old and egged her on to assume sexy poses for the camera! I sent them all home after sharing a few choice words for the road.
  4. A mother of 13 and 14 year year olds who, when proposed the question, “Would you let them get a breast augmentation at this age if the job asked for it?” said YES! (You should have seen the look on the other mothers’ faces.) I lost it.

All of these perpetrators yield to media and their children’s reasoning instead of educating them on what is more important…like books, art, diet and proper skin care.

My rules:

  • Unless a model, under 16, I work with is six feet tall and signed with a reputable agency – chances of me doing more than concealer spot treatment, cream blush and chap stick/clear gloss – are slim to none.
  • Teens need to stop wearing that horrid black waterproof liner on their waterline (bottom lash line), please aid me on this endeavour. They don’t know how to blend it and how to wash it off properly. Just. Stop. It. Or try coloured mascaras instead.
  • I’m all for teens experimenting with sheer lipgloss colours – fresh and lovely.
  • Very light cream blush with a little shimmer is also okay in my book.
  • Waxing/plucking should not be allowed until 15 or 16 and ONLY if you’re splitting a unibrow or if you fear Brezhnev’s reincarnation.

Teach your youngins about proper skin care. Keep in mind that prevention (not the sexy time kind…though also helpful) earlier on in their lives can lead to healthier skin later on in their lives that will last longer than yours.

Bestow upon them a healthy habit of never leaving the house without sun screen – rain or shine.

Nip in the bud the Flamin’-Hot-Cheetos-and-RedBull-breakfast routine.

Dress them age-appropriately. It’s YOUR money and YOUR rules until they are 18, don’t forget that.

Decrease face time with the television, I swear they all want to move into music video sets. At least explain to them that films/videos are 90% constructed and not real…their favourite “teen” performers have had chest hair and periods for the past decade.

Be available and honest when your kids need you – a lot of lashing out comes from attention anorexia which leads to horrible makeup and singed hair…I speak from experience.

Hell forbid I ever have a daughter – she will be home schooled and locked down until she is sixteen, dressed in Amish couture, oblivious to razors and rockin’ a unibrow. But if not – I’ll settle for my own version of Madonna’s daughter who should be every teen’s fashion/beauty icon. Go, girl.

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Hygiene, Men, Skin

Man Flesh | Chair de l’homme

Man flesh, not unlike our own, deserves special care. Not to be confused with special needs, in a short bus sort of way.

I mentioned, some entries back, about my loathing for the coined “metrosexual” term. How it scares off most phallus owning bipeds. Because of this horrid name our boyfriends, husbands, dads, brothers, cousins and friends rejected the concept of grooming…in more sense of the word than soap-shaving gel-hairbrush, if that.

At any rate, this memorandum concerns you.

You can find Nivea, L’Oreal, and Every Man Jack at your local drugstore like Walgreens. I’m listing one product from each line to introduce you to the name, it is up to you to shop around and pick and chose what your skin likes best. (Same goes for the rest of the mentioned goodies.)

Please remember, sunblock is your friend. The Marlborough tan and wrinkles are so not in this season.

And if shopping for skin products at a store where ladies buy products they stick up their hoohaas reminds you of your teen years: sweat-soaked brows, shaky hands and gnarly pit stains Рonline shopping is fast and discreet! Sephora carries a vast selection of starter kits from which you can begin your most excellent journey to the land of skin care connoisseurism!

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Skin

Pour Katelyn…

Skin care shouldn’t be a stress factor or a dent in your wallet.

If you have the means to coat yourself with $1,200 per-half-ounce-of-caviar-gold-and-diamond-bald-eagle-placenta-creams, consider yourself extremely blessed.

Luckily for the rest of us who selflessly spent our last dimes on holiday gifts for our loved ones – we must rely on trusted shelves at our nearest drugstores for products we can afford.

And the winners are…

Face Wash:

Bior√© Steam Activated Cleanser is standing in my shower as we speak. Steam aids this product in opening your pores and de-dirting the buggers. After washing off you’ll feel a minty tingle, my favourite part. Oil-free. Ranges $6-8

Johnson & Johnson Purpose Gentle Cleansing Wash is one of the most delicate cleansers you can find. Comes out in foam form and is both oil and soap free, which makes it as gentle on your skin as water. Although this is an all around safe product to use on your face twice a day – it doesn’t clean as deep as I like. But that’s just me. $6.29 at Walgreens.

Aveeno Clear Complexion Foaming Cleanser is also very gentle. Though not so great at removing makeup, this face wash is great at washing away dirt. Smells very clean and leaves skin feeling tight and refreshed. Oil-free. $6-7

Moisturizers:

Olay Complete All Day Moisture Lotion Spf 15 Sensitive Skin is a permanent fixture in my kit. It’s gentle enough for every skin texture and mixes very well with my foundations. Sun block factor is a plus and it is unscented and non-greasy. Oil-free. $8-10

Lumene Vitamin C+ 24 Hour Pure Radiance Lotion is absolutely lovely. Though a bit on the pricier side – totally worth it considering it’s 90% natural. After two days of usage my skin turned shinier and newer. The scent is delicious and serene. $19.99 at CVS (But they always have sales on it all the time!)

Garnier Nutritioniste Skin Renew Anti-Sun-Damage Daily Moisture Lotion SPF 28 has been hyped up since it graced our television screens some moons back. The reviews are in, folks. This moisturizer is rather rich, but doesn’t feel heavy in any way. If you have love for the sun – you will love this product as it does have the ability to diminish sun spots. 99.9% Oil-free. $13

Products I am not a fan of (with all the love and respect):

  • Clean&Clear – to me this is like using bleach on your skin.
  • Oil of Olay Foaming Face Wash – gave me eczema on my eyeballs.
  • Proactiv – they have excellent advertising for a terrible product.
  • Oxy Products – see Clean&Clear.

Product I’m on the fence about:

Neutrogena – although as a teen I was a huge fan, now a days these products make me think of training bras. If they work for you, kudos and I am wrong. They would be my last choice if the above products ceased to exist.

Ta-DAAAA!

Happy shopping and may the frugal force be with you in 2011!

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Hygiene, Men, Remedy, Skin

Ugly Buttons | Boutons Laids

Guess who got a pimple?

I drink water. I have a strict skin regimen. I don’t eat much sugar or any junk food. Lean protein and lots of fresh fruit and veggies. And…and…

Thank you, lady in red.

I KNOW! I know it’s difficult not to reach up with both of your index fingers erect and ready to squeeze. It sucks knowing that if you do – all that bacteria hiding underneath your fingernails is dying to make its way into a freshly opened wound. To terrorize and multiply into a posse of soiled pores that turn into your favourite shade of pink dots for the world to see.¬†Comment¬†tr√®s¬†jolie!

Sound the horns, here is our new slogan: “Don’t pick it – slick it!”

Let us formulate a support group that slicks those pesky buggers away for good. And here is how:

  • toothpaste (regular peppermint or spearmint will do – no cinnamon)
  • honey
  • raw papaya juice
  • raw potato
  • tomato pulp
  • zinc (pill form)
  • lemon juice
  • raw garlic
  • cucumber

All of these ingredients have been proven to work and are natural…most you can eat and so they will work externally.

And please remember to wash your bedding and towels often. Keep your hands out of your face. Try not to use too much hair product and if you do – minimize hair to face contact as much as possible. Don’t slather on makeup to cover up your blemish as that can make it worse and spread bacteria.

Be gone, you evil nodule!

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Hygiene, Makeup, Skin

Brushes | Brosses

Brushes need love too.

The condition of your skin depends on your brushes’ hygiene. If you’ve neglected giving your hairy friends a wash…you’re probably wondering where the lavish assortment of bumps on your face is coming from. The longer you slack on cleaning – the more dust and bacteria accumulate on the bristles that you smear right into your skin. Yum.

Problematic skin would benefit from washing your brushes daily while healthy skin can get away with a weekly rinse.

Since I use my brushes on different faces on a fairly regular basis, between each face I use a spray cleaner (either of the ones listed below) and when at home I use baby shampoo as it is gentle enough on bristles and sensitive skin. But for personal use – the choice is yours.

It only takes a few moments to ensure your skin’s health and your brushes’ longevity. After washing, please either dry your brushes upright or lay them so the bristles hang outside of the sink/counter – you don’t want them marinating in the water they were bathed in. Otherwise you are compromising cleanliness and are damaging the brushes.

Lastly, when the fibers become frizzy and uneven – time for a burial and shopping expedition!

Et voila!

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