Body, Grooming, Health, Hygiene, Moi

Vagina doesn’t REALLY rhyme with anything.

Nobody likes a stinky pink.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve vomited in my mouth from clients who sit in my makeup chair, legs spread eagle, radiating musty-basement-full-of-dead-fish from their tacos. Sweet Geezeus.

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For the love of breathing to stay alive, please take care of your lady bits!

When I was a kid [and only a few inches shorter] we lived in Kiev, Ukraine and I predominantly stayed at my grandparents’ house. They had a room with a toilet next to a room with a sink and tub. Communism, baby!

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Mum and I back in Kiev right before we fucked off across the pond. This is a clean-vagina face.

In that little room with a toilet my mum and grandmother taught me hygiene. To an extreme.

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Babushka and I circa twenty years ago.

We had this frosted white plastic cup that I was taught to fill with warm water [in the bathing room next door] prior to peeing to be used post peeing, like a ghetto bidet. This was the cornerstone of my many psychoses OCD moments.

Without getting into the evolution of my hygienic practices, you better believe I keep my vagina clean and pretty. Needless to say I always carry baby wipes in my purse.

I’ve recently discovered SebaMed Feminine Intimate Wash that is an organic gel and mimics your body’s natural pH. This stuff smells delicious and the soap-free formula won’t strip you of the gooey good stuff. Squeeze a drop or two onto a washcloth, massage your bikini part and wash away. Voila! Happy pussy.

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They also make products for hair, face and body!

Then, there’s this other new sexy company that makes sexy products without any fake additives. Good Clean Love has a lube that is aloe vera based, 100% natural/organic, edible, safe for knocked up ladies, and simulates natural lubrication like a champ. Ding! Sexy time.

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Also comes in flavours like lavender and cinnamon vanilla. Can you say yum?

And then I have this friend called Hana Lash. Hana is not only a hottie-boombalattie and talented musician/performer, but has recently launched an Etsy shop with the most original vagina cards you ever did see. There’s one for every occasion and they are fucking brilliant. Please buy me some [please include the Bundle Up necklace too]!

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Current status of my vagina: undergoing laser treatment at the Hot Spot Laser Center in Pasadena. Best husband in the world got me the wedding gift that keeps on giving – 6 sessions of Brazilian baldness. Cue angels singing. This place is awesome and ran by two adorable sisters, Marine and Narine, who don’t have a website [gasp] and don’t advertise [double gasp] but kick serious ass when it comes to ridding of unwanted sprouts. It says something about a business when you’re overbooked just by results and word of mouth.

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Stay classy, ladies and wash that snatch! Singeing nose hairs has never been in.

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Health, Hygiene, Makeup

Expiration | D’expiration

Unlike our foods, cosmetics don’t come with expiration dates.

I think it would be stellar to have it imprinted on the side of the actual lipstick, or engraved into the plastic casing of your shadow duo. Or someone just needs to come up with a makeup line called “Expiration” and part of their genius would be to stamp the exact moment of demise on each item. I know, I’m astonishingly brilliant.

So, without further adieu…

Mascara and Liquid Eye Liners: 3 months.

Liquid Face Makeup, Cream Eye Shadow: 3-6 months.

Natural/Mineral Cosmetics: 6 months, the shelf life for these is short due to the lack of preservatives in the product.

Powder Face Makeup, Powder Eye Shadows, Pencil Eye Liners, Lipstick, Lip gloss: 2 years.

Eye and lip pencils: discard when they become dry, crumbly, and hard to apply – otherwise you can prolong their lifespan if you sharpen them regularly.

Tips:

  • Make sure to always keep your makeup in a cool dry place – eye/lip pencils and lipsticks you don’t often use can be refrigerated.
  • Pumping your mascara will dry it out much faster and spread bacteria inside the tube – try swirling the wand instead.
  • If you have a stye in your eye or a cold sore on your lip – immediately discard of products you have used on the are, otherwise you are just spreading the love and perpetuate lack of healing.
  • Don’t share your cosmetics with anyone unless you are fully prepared to disinfect them instantly.

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Hair, Men, Remedy

No More Hair Loss | Pas de perte de cheveux

Are you a hair club president or client?

Do you find it difficult to keep up with hair products because your dome is slowly being flushed away in the shower?

Is it often that you find yourself performing the shake-fist-at-sky maneuver because you were bestowed with genetics of the balding persuasion.

Diet is important. Folic acid deficiency causes the most damage. Also, just as of yesterday I found out through a case study that hair actually grows back –  but so thin that the human eye cannot see it because the roots become smaller with each shed.

My grandfather, who also happens to be my BFF, has had a shiny crown for as far back as I could remember. A couple of years ago he developed a gorgeous crater, in place of a bindi, filled with a pesky blackhead. Denying my mother the right to squeeze, he asked me for an easy remedy to remove the bugger. My advice was to rub Apple Cider Vinegar until there was nothing left. And he did.

Months went by and G-unit’s crater seemed more and more empty, but his smiles became wider and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I decided to confront. To my surprise the side effects were hair growth! Grandpa said he started from his forehead and went all around the top of his head [just in case] and hair started magically appearing! Now, after decades of barrenness – his noodle garden is flourishing!

Other friends:

  • daily dose of lettuce+spinach juice, 8oz.
  • coconut milk all over the scalp
  • castor oil application
  • paste of lemon and black pepper
  • almond oil compress 2-3 times daily
  • pure aloe vera gel instead of conditioner

Avoid:

  • dry scalp
  • hats
  • hairspray/mousse/gel – alcohol dries scalp
  • too much hair brushing
  • shampooing hair more than 3 times a week

Remember:

  • shorter hair hides the issue better
  • lighter coloured hair creates an illusion of thickness
  • hair products can enhance your problem

Lastly, do not be afraid of the razor – I met Billy Zane a few weeks back and he was rockin’ that ‘do!

And there you have it, my minimal thread count lovelies. Happy farming!

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