I have zero fucking tolerance for anyone with access to makeup and faces that is not just unprofessional, but dirty. ZERO.
Having heard countless complaints from friends/clients about the horrors of filthy brushes, disorganized messy kits, post-application breakouts, rashes and, worse, infections – I have seen some heinous shit myself.
And then we have this past weekend. I was so stoked to work with my favourite makeup and hair friends on a shoot in Orange County [please note that I despise the OC for all of its plastic, gaudy, suburban splendour which makes this story that much worse] because we have the same aesthetic and sense of humour. These things are important on all shoots, let alone places that require them to survive.
Then walks in what I can only describe as a heavily made up human suit stretched over the alien from the movie Alien.
Immediately the three of us knew this was a MAC artist. This was reaffirmed by her MAC Zuca case and the skills she possessed which I will indubitably school you on.
I won’t get into the fact that she started rearranging my coffee cup and glasses without asking [apparently that’s her shady modus operandi], or that she didn’t ask us nor the producer what it is the, now, three of us should have been creating in unison. What I will tell you about is how she whipped out her busted up caboodle and started cleaning her disgusting brushes.
I nearly fucking vomited.
Perhaps instead of spending hours on herself that morning painting on a tranny face mask, she should have been washing her fucking brushes and not insulting the rest of us with her lack of professionalism. Oh, but then there is that.
So, she came in with two “hair stylists”. One was very pleasant and nice and had on a smile and was very eager to cooperate. The other was so wet behind the ears she looked like everything was a surprise and brought about three cans of BigSexyHair she probably picked up at Ulta. *Note to all newbies in the business: smile, nod and learn. Bad attitude will get you as far as sanitizing brushes if you keep it up. Humility is the way forward.
To make this all easier to swallow let’s divide this into teams: Team Awesome and Team Ding Dong. No explanation necessary.
While Team Awesome was kicking ass and churning out excellent work and running around on the two sets [one photo and one video], the Ding Dongs were DOING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HAIR AND MAKEUP in the dressing room. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. And Alien had so much as, without flinching, giant rollers in her hair for hours. So, while we, the ones with decades of experience are running around and sweating, the newbie tards are hanging out and having a great time together. Did I mention they were the first ones to attack the lunch spread?
Every time Team Awesome walked back into the dressing room all would get quiet and dagger eyes would come out.
Then let’s talk about the work. Specifically how there is a special talent in making white skin look ashy. There were 5 girl models and 3 guys. Two of the girls had the most delicious dark chocolatey skin ever and I was fortunate enough to grab them first. My girl Cathi had a German girl who looked Brasilian. Alien grabbed an actual Brasilian girl and a white girl. Both looked looked like they were wearing gray face masks. Dark dark eyes and lips so light they looked dead. Mind you this is loosely the look we’re going for…
Oh, yeah, and she added guy-liner to one of the dudes. Epic. He looked like the Prince of Persia.
There was one incident where she grabbed one of my girls and put her in her chair “for touchups” and I immediately asked the model to kindly play musical chairs and sit in mine. Alien wasn’t happy.
Then there was another incident, about an hour prior to wrap, where Alien succeeded in “touching up” one of my girls. Luckily I caught whiff and remedied [I mean if you saw this you would die – homegirl looked like she was wearing a Day of the Dead mask]: walked her ass back into the dressing room, took a face wipe to her and started all over. Needless to say Alien bitch had her jaw on the floor the entire time.
So in order for you not to be a dirty makeup bitch, here are some tips:
1. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BRUSHES!
- Baby shampoo or Bronners soap are gentle enough to clean your brushes with without buying crazy expensive stuff.
- Wet the brushes.
- Dab a drop of soap onto your palm and swish the brush around gently in circular motions.
- Wash with lukewarm-to-cold water until it runs clear.
- Lay flat to dry.
2. CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BRUSHES!
- For a quickie, in-between-thorough-washing situation, these two are my fave.
- Parian Spirit and Cozette both smell like freshly sliced citrus fruit and leave your brushes looking and smelling just as lovely.
- Spray the brush or paper towel and gently wipe the brush in a circular motion.
- Repeat as many times as necessary until the brush wipes clean.
3. Sanitize your makeup between people.
- Even if you’re not a makeup artist but you like to play one with your friends.
- Rubbing alcohol and a cheapie mist bottle from the dollar store are your friends.
- All of your powder/pressed eyeshadows can be sprayed, lipstick, cream blush, etc.
4. Don’t double dip!
- This is a Make Up Forever spatula.
- If you want to try your friend’s lipstick or cream shadow, or cream blush – whip out your spatula, scrape scrape, try.
- If a spatula isn’t on hand, you can use the end of a brush – the plastic/wooden end if you need me to chew it up and swallow for you.
5. Sanitize your hands before touching anyone’s face.
- This is a diagram for those that don’t know how.
- You may replace hand sanitizer with soap and water if it pleases you.
And if your makeup artist looks like the MAC counter exploded on their face – run very fast and very far.