My husband loves climbing shit camping. He’s hiked and camped his entire life.
I have not.
I prefer doing my nails. In a city. In civilization. Preferably sitting down.
But don’t get me wrong – I do love an adventure and Josh and I have already camped twice! Well, three times now.
Specimen #1: Somewhere by Carmel.
Specimen #2: Somewhere in Big Bear.
And adventures = fun. And camping = drive to location, walk 12ft, pitch tent, start fire. Backpacking means something completely different.
We drove thirty minutes out of town, parked our car and started walking. Mostly downhill at first. Then a little incline. Passing through what should be little streams but are now just rocks awaiting spring rainfall. We held hands and laughed; strolling deeper up the mountain and listening to the sound of nature all around. It was treacherous and my backpack was heavy [food, clothes, 0° sleeping bag, some butt wipes and my husband’s heavy as hell camera; believe me – he had it worse].
We found this tree. Behind us is a rock this giant tree grows around.
Tree bitch.
Then we got to the camp site and we shoveled things into our faces. And I doused myself in a Deet cocktail and took a nap on a picnic bench with the sun shining on mah face. And it was glorious.
But nothing is this simple.
We had to go further up to reach a scenic point on top of the fucking mountain. But now the terrain became even worse: switchbacks, unsteady dusty dirt slides, steep inclines. F. M. L.
Josh and I were in a car accident a few years back where the bone in the T went inches away from me and my back has been a nightmare ever since. Carrying shit in a backpack bigger than me made the nightmare a reality once more. By the time we got to our gorgeous campsite I was whining and throwing all my toys out of the pram. But it was gorgeous. And quiet.
My shitty phone cam panorama.
Sunset!
Husband takes amazing pictures. This was our home for the night.
Morning came too quickly and it was time to down my coffee, pack up and hike a different way down than the one we came.
And by down I mean scaling a fucking mountain.
Here are the details I remember:
- sending evil glares in Josh’s direction
- telling Josh he’s a horrible human being for torturing me like this
- sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
- having my arms and legs mutilated by sharp leaves [scroll down for photographic proof]
- sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
- sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
- sliding down in my shorts and getting my vagina massaged by sharp rocks
- twisted ankles and the nail beds on my toes bruised from the incline down
So, a walk in the park.
These are my legs post branch lashings. Pictures don’t do this justice.
Quarter of the way down. Stunning scenery. I love that man. I hate all of those bushes.
When we finally made it down I was pigeon-toed and covered in baked on sweat-dust. Sexual. I know.
But enough about me. Let’s get to product…
Murad Essential-C Sun Balm for quick application on the nose and forehead [don’t forget the tops of hands].
Whish Deodorant Swipes were perfect for refreshing [contains hair inhibitors – not too shabby] .
Kiehl’s Lip Balm with SPF 15 because your lips need balm to be bomb.
Shea Moisture Joint & Muscle Relief Dead Sea Salt Soak with Lavender & Wild Orchard – you better believe I was soaking [and emailing from my phone because it never ends].
My Frida Kahlo impersonation.
This was on my face while I was naked and covered in water. I get these at the Asian market downtown.
Love of my life [sorry Josh] Osea Malibu Undaria Alage Oil to soothe and repair the skin.
Ioma Soothing Gel For Legs – this stuff has been a life saver. As a makeup artist and professional backpacker.
Nip + Fab Post Workout Fix is a topical muscle cooling gel made especially for my tired shoulders and buns.
And now I must go do my nails because they look like I’ve been climbing rocks. Wait. I can actually say that now!
Owie! Owie! Owie!
Belle Face 